Hello, you've reached Flameboro's Psychiatric Hospital, at the tone...

If you're obsessive-compulsive, dial 1 several times as quick as you can.
If you're dependent, please ask somebody else to dial 2.
If you have several personalities, dial 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you're a paranoid, we already know who you are, we know what you do and we know what you want, so please wait while we trace your phone call.
If you suffer from hallucinations, dial 7 on the big, shiny, multiple coloured phone (the one you can only see) at your right.
If you suffer from schizophrenia, listen carefully to the inner voice and it'll tell you which number you have to dial.
If you're a depressive person, it doesn't really matter what number you dial. Nobody can save you from your sad situation.
If you can't decide, leave your message after... listening to the tone? Before the tone? After the tone? Or during the tone? Otherwise, wait for the tone.
If your self-esteem is low, please hang up. All our operators are very busy listening to more important people than you.